Messy Pages

The Journal of a Messy Mind

Page Two

 

Page Two: September 19,2016

Medication. I’ve been thinking a lot about medication lately. It’s crazy to look back on my attitude and behavior in high school and how I’ve slowly declined since then. It’s funny how the definition of “normal” has changed for me too. I never imagined myself being so dependent on medication. I mean I was so against it in high school and now I can’t leave the house without taking it. Sometimes I wish I could have my old life back. Well minus the ex-boyfriend.  It seems all of my days sort of meld together since I’ve finished high school. Everything seems the same. I get up, I get dressed, I take my pills, and I keep myself busy until Alex gets home. Don’t get me wrong. I’m trying really hard to figure out my life. I don’t want to seem useless and lazy. I’m not either of those things. I’ve just had a really hard time trying to figure out life. Sometimes it seems like life is out to get me. Like I was meant for something different. I think about my life’s purpose a lot. Why am I here? Why was I put on this Earth when I can’t figure anything out. Everything comes so difficult to me and all I want to do os be able to get a job, live with my boyfriend and just be content. I don’t even have to be happy. Being content is just fine with me. But no. I have to be dependent on medication and I still struggle. I struggle with a lot of things. Like being afraid to leave the house, afraid of not being good enough, and I struggle with just being. I’m tying really hard to cope because I have so much hope for my future but sometimes it just seems too much. I have those days sometimes where everything just seems to have a gray tint to it and I have to force myself to get out of bed and get dressed. Alex helps me a lot on those days. He makes me want to be a better person. Not only for him but for myself too. I just hate feeling like I’m drowning in medication. I’m scared that one day these meds won’t work for me and I’m going to gave to go through this whole process again of trying to find something that will make me feel like myself again and not like a crazy person or a zombie. I think I just have all these thoughts floating around in my head and they have nowhere to go so they’re expressed through my anxiety. I hate my anxiety. I really thought depression was my worst enemy but I was wrong. It’s my fears, my emotions and my anxiety. I think my biggest fear is being alone with myself and my thoughts and the only thing that will be there to comfort me is my medication. I hope it will never come to that. I have a lot of hopes and I’m happy to say that my hopes out weigh my fears.

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